So why do companies scold while thousands of jobs fold? By now, we know that the average American beer drinker does not look like this. After all, we prefer our beer nuts to be in a bowl.
After Anheuser-Busch hired Dylan Mulvaney to promote Bud Light, sales are now down almost 25%, and now the company is even talking about redesigning the labels. Here’s the new label, and actually, here’s my suggestion. I mean, let’s be honest, she seems like a barrel of laughs — or at least two barrels.
And now another company seems to be messing with their core audience. Here you have 81-year-old Martha Stewart on the cover of this year’s Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, and I’m just going to say it, that’s not bad for 81.
TYRUS: No, sir.
Kim Petras visits SiriusXM Studios on May 03, 2023 in New York City. (Santiago Felipe/Getty Images)
So gone are the days of classic S.I., you know, stacks in the barbershop and each issue was coveted like a roll of Charmin in a chili factory, and that swimsuit issue every year it got passed around like a hypodermic needle in the subway. Everybody wanted it. But it’s clear those customers of the past, your uncles, dads and granddads, they were just awful people.
They’re gross, sexist pigs. Let’s be honest, and it’s time we made them pay for working hard and fighting wars and just being decent people because we’re such better people now.
We think crickets are better than steak, and criminals are just victims of oppression. And of course, men make better women. These new marketing people are way better than everyone who came before because as Miller Lite points out those creeps — they put ladies in bikinis.
A picture of the commemorative Bud Light can featuring TikTok influencer Dylan Mulvaney. (Dylan Mulvaney/Instagram)
So how did this happen? Well, all these nauseating lectures are now masquerading as ads, are the colleges churning out too many useless women’s study grads, so they end up in companies demanding tampons in men’s rooms and jockstraps in the women’s? Hmm. They view buyers as insects: stupid, gross, easily manipulated, someone to be punished, not celebrated.
Like when that Gillette ad from a few years back offered a caricature of masculinity, suggesting bad behavior was the norm among men. They switched their slogan from “the best a man can get” to “use these to slash your wrists, you male oppressors.”
There isn’t a single homely broad selling shampoo or makeup, and that makes sense. It’s like buying hair care products from a bald person. Bottom line: Scolding people for being people is a lousy way to sell products and now they’re so surprised when it actually backfires. I’m sorry. You could imagine where this is all headed.
BOSS: Alright, gents, let’s go over the marketing strategy for our new female products. Nobody knows how to sell to a woman like a man. Now, Steve, what’s the update on those sports bras?
BOSS: Hmm, excellent point. Any more updates on the female products?
EMILY COMPAGNO: Sir, I was thinking.
BOSS: Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. Thank you. Thank you. Anyone else? Yeah.